Chariots of the Dogs: Top 13, will be unlucky for some poor bastard (more to follow when I make more of them up):

13. Benz W124 taxi; “professional” driver whose personal diction, opinions, habits & hygiene would push the most ardent supporter of Intelligent Design firmly into the Darwinism camp; these throw-backs should not be encouraged in any way; do a runner if cornered for money. Visit Cologne to compare & contrast.

12. VW Passat, lack-of-imagination silver (official VAG colour); Fianna Fáil staff car, or Skoda Octavia (Labour) if working class; either way, pilot oblivious & no indicators fitted.

11. BMW / Audi, older shapes; with blacked-out windows, multi-coloured body panels, LT or PL plates, scraping along pavement as driver comes to terms with driving on the wrong side of the road; stunning female passenger; said Garda paperwork prevents him being pulled for going 127 in a 100 zone: Irish Independent Aug 07 or Irish Independent Aug 07; limited life expectancy, as he may get tanked at the weekend on the readies he does not send home & end up heading backwards, inverted, down a carriageway near you.

10. Generic Jappo Coupe, avec ridiculous stickers & a spoiler you could surf on, Anto at the tiller, bored 16 year old Cherise in shotgun seat, stereo the most powerful / expensive thing on the car; en-route to Halfords for an up-rated performance air filter that will finally blow the head gasket. Ever notice that these are always for sale?

09. Red / White Van: Hiace / Transporter / Tranny; time travel attempted on most journeys either backwards or forwards; powered by jumbo breakfasht rolls.

08. Renault Laguna, missing an alloy; two flavours here, fast & inept, & slow & inept.

07. Toyota Yaris; blue-rinse bucket, usually ’99 reg, with optional Solemn (is there a frivolous kind?) Novena sticker.

06. Renault Senic / Opel Zafira; school run pajama-zombie, fag in gob, texting as she goes, 14 kids loose inside, some upside down; most likely motorist to stab you if confronted over her hogging the yellow box junction.

05. Honda Civic; driver's baseball cap label (not logo) legible as its not possible to get credit car between his bumper & yours. At least he is behind you, & not poisoning you with his bucket exhaust. May be under pressure soon from yet another silly law: Irish Independent Sept 07. Yes, he is wearing a Celtic shirt.

04. Opel Astra / Tigra, paint still wet; pram-faced up-&-cumming wench with humongous hoop earrings; quite nippy when Vodaphone Live signal craps out; if only Burberry upholstery was an option…

03. Toyota Avensis; always this years reg, only remaining proof that there is money in farming; recently promoted Corolla culchie, now driving (incredibly badly) the most boring car on the planet.

02. Hyundai Accent in gold (Review); very large air freshener & GAA wristbands only function of rear view mirror; slow, slow, ssllooww; I get car-sick just looking at it. Owners aspire to own our winner:

01. Toyota Corolla Xli, in red with at least one dented panel; the car with the most complex set of controls this side of the Millennium Falcon, if the struggling drivers are any guide; L-pate is optional as it’s presence or otherwise will not indicate in the slightest the skill level on display; distrust ANY signaling including brake lights; if you are stopped behind it at a junction, you may as well park up & get a bite, as 1st gear will elude the genius pilot for 20 of your Earth minutes.


You know who you are, and you and your Ma got your licenses from a lucky bag…


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